Posted by: joha5 | June 22, 2010

Breach of Contract: Pests, Rodents, and Other Unacceptable Creatures

I’m not good with pests or rodents.  I mean, if I see them in a zoo or a terrarium or where I know that they will be unable to have any contact with me then I am fine.  But when they are on the loose and running or flying around like a bat out of hell I just simply cannot accept it.  It isn’t that I am scared of them, per se.  I think it is the combination of minute brain size, speed, and my inability to predict their next move or direction that absolutely freaks me out.  There is just no logic to these creatures.  You would think that they would run or fly away from you and not towards you if they had any common sense.  But alas, they do not.

Living in big cities my whole life I have had my fair share of unwanted encounters with pests or rodents.  Even if I see them outside I don’t really mind.  Chipmunk?  Cute.  Squirrel?  Aww.  Mouse?  Eh.  Rat?  Well, no rats thank you but you get my point.  There is that natural contract that we have with these creatures.  You stay away from us and we stay away from you.  That is how it works.  But every now and then they just seem to get a little too curious.  What these things are thinking when they enter into this whole new indoor world is totally beyond me but you would think that the modernity of inside versus the naturalness of outside would have them running scared back to their home or nest so they can tell all of their friend’s about it or communicate their shock to them however they manage to do that.  And maybe this happens more than I know.  After all, it isn’t the scared ones that come in the house.  It’s the daring and reckless ones that dare breach the natural contract of boundaries. 

Get out of my house you idiots!!

I think the worst part of dealing with pests or rodents is actually the moment when you realize they have arrived.  I know you know what I am talking about.  You either here a buzz or some flaps of tiny wings in the distance.  You see the edges of paper, fabric, or furniture that have been gnawed down enough for you to notice but not enough to really make a difference.  You see the signs but you want for it not to be true. 

Please God.  Please tell me that this is just my imagination. 

So what do you do?  You ignore it.  You can’t see them anywhere so you just hope they ventured in to sharpen their teeth or to get some material for their nest and they left.  Only it isn’t that simple.  These stupid things don’t just take vacations to the foreign land of ‘Inside’.  Once they have found a way in they somehow remember in their tiny little brains how exactly they got in the house in the first place.  This is probably the only information that they have in their heads but by God it must be useful for them. 

So now the waiting game starts.  You go on with your life aware that these creatures may or may not be squatting in your house and they go on with their life hoping that us humans never encounter them in the flesh.  This game may go on for an hour, a week, a month or a year but however long it lasts it always comes to an end in that moment of the first encounter.  You walk down the stairs or they crawl out from under the sofa or you see something out of the corner of your eye or they get a little too careless in their stealthiness and all of a sudden…



You flip out.  They flip out.  The game is on. 

When I have had pests or rodents in my house I have stopped at absolutely nothing to get rid of them.  Sticky mice traps.  Real mouse traps.  Mouse poison.  Super-sonic high-pitched sound wave plugs.  Easy disposable traps where the mice go in but they never leave.  So on and so forth.  This may sound like a lot but we all know that once you have seen one that there is never just one.  This is why you have to go absolutely nuts when it comes to getting rid of these pests.  The worst part is that you never really know when the battle is over because even though you may rid yourself of them there are still many questions that are left unanswered about a potential counter-insurgency.  How are they getting in?  Is there a nest in the house?  Where are they living exactly?  Are they all dead?  Can more get in?  Did they tell their friends?  Who is their ringleader?  Will I be doomed to spend time and money on this for the rest of my time here?  It’s like a little tiny microcosm of the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq…only I can leave whenever I want. 

Weapons of Mass Destruction

I recently found signs of mice in the basement of my house and I flipped out.  I’m still in the early stages but I am attacking them adamantly and with fervor.  It may take time and effort but I am cleaning every square inch of the basement.  I am getting rid of this raggedy old sofa that we have where I found remnants of mice.  I have put down poison.  I have picked up the majority of anything that they might find of any interest on the floor.  This is really only the beginning.  I know that I have a war ahead of me and there is no end date for it.  In fact, it may never end.  I don’t know how many mice are down there, how they are getting in, or even what they are doing in the house in the first place.  But one thing is for sure…I will not only destroy these mice but I will make sure that my victory is so swift and so fierce that they will be completely demoralized into ever even attempting to come into this house again.  Hopefully then they can squeeze that one extra little piece of information into their tiny and useless brains before it is too late and I strike death and demoralization upon them and their cohorts.



  1. Please play this while you begin the fight… This is what I’ll play when I start to spray and caulk.

  2. So, what you’re saying is that Pixar’s Ratatouille isn’t real?

  3. Please, please, please detail your eradication of these pests in detail. I have had a raccoon in my attic for MONTHS and my landlord tells me there’s nothing he can do. When the thing falls out of the ceiling in the middle of the night, I will declare war on my landlord…

    • Hahaha! They are pretty much the worst things ever. I have a 100% way to get rid of them but it isn’t very pleasant. I am gonna write about it this week so stay in touch!

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