Posted by: joha5 | April 14, 2010

The Insect Murders

Sometimes things happen so quickly that you don’t even have time to reflect on what has happened or what you have done until well after the fact.  In a court of law people often use this excuse and say they were ‘possessed’ or that they just ‘don’t know what happened’ while the crime was taking place.  Whether this is true or not I cannot say.  However, what I can say is that when I see an insect in a place where it has no business being, this is exactly what happens to me.  Typically, a frenzy will ensue where I will stop at nothing to extinguish the life of this insect for violating the physical boundaries of what is acceptable.  Humans inside.  Insects outside.  There are a few extenuating circumstances, like zoos for example, but, overall, this is the code of law as far as I am concerned.  Violating this code of conduct is immediately punishable by death.

I was in a good mood last night as I finished my dinner while preparing to watch the return of Glee after a four-month hiatus.  I walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of wine  and to rinse my plate off in the sink before placing it in the dish washer when I witnessed a total disregard for the code of conduct.  A centipede about the size of a baby’s shoe was comfortably meandering about in the sink searching for whatever it is centipedes with a brain the size of a cashew searches for.  I am guessing that it was searching for food but this centipede was so large that it could have had much more sinister motivations, like kidnapping or grand larceny.

The question now was not whether its life should be cut short but how do I do it in a clean and efficient manner.  An insect this size could have been euthanized by lethal injection but unfortunately I this was not an option.  In my typical frenzy I grabbed the first thing I came across.  Palmolive Dish Soap.

If I can just lather it in thick dish soap I can slow down its movements which, in turn, will buy me more time. 

And with that thought I quickly squirted an unholy amount of dish soap on this creature.  Eureka!  It worked!  The centipede had now been handicapped!

Advantage, Haworth!

What I did not count on was the fact that it would not slow down completely.  It began to make a trail of green soap all across the sink thereby eliminating any possibility of a clean disposal other than down the drain.  I turned on the water and tried to wash it down the drain but even in its lubricated state it held fast.  This centipede not only had good strength of limbs, but good strength of character as well.

Maybe if I make the water as scalding hot as possible.

Yes!  The creature began to recoil and loosen its grip on the basin.  In a last-ditch effort it managed to hang onto the drain and was clinging to dear life.  I quickly found the sharpest knife I could so I could thrust it down further into the drainage system.  As I began jabbing at the centipede mercilessly it slid past a word that, in a cruel twist of fate, would guarantee its untimely demise. 

Insinkerator.

Of course!  A clean, efficient, yet brutal way that would not only kill it but would also serve as an example to any other centipedes who had comparable ambitions to defile the code of conduct like this beast had.  I flipped the switch on garbage disposal and a loud sucking and grinding sound echoed through the kitchen.  I am sure that death was instant but I left it on just for that extra few seconds to make sure that this wily character could never violate the code ever again. 

As the adrenaline subsided, I stood there as my senses returned to me and a crime scene began to materialize in my midst.  All I could see was a long green streak in the sink, steam rising up from the drain, a knife by the drain, and my hands were soaking wet.  I thought back to what had just occurred.  Was it a violent overreaction or was it a justified reaction to the emergency at hand?  If only you were a fly on the wall to witness the entire event.  But if you were, just make sure I don’t catch you. 

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Responses

  1. My brother once devised a plan to set up a pyramid made entirely of cockroach heads on the corner of his block in North Philly, as a sign to other cockroaches not to enter. Leading up to it were going to be seven single cockroach legs. Why? In my brother’s words, “so the cockroach walks up and is like ‘WHAT THE FUCK? is that six…SEVEN cockroach legs?! Did they kill just one and found an extra leg? Or is that one leg from seven cockroaches?” and while they’re still contemplating that – BAM! they hit the cockroach head pyramid.

  2. I’ve seen you in action, Haworth. it’s fearful.

  3. Jonny, you speak the gospel truth. I had more or less the exact same confrontation with a bug last week – as laconic as I generally am, the presence of any type of insect in my home causes me to get all crazy-eye kung-fu. Will they never learn?????

    Miss you to death –

    xxoo

    Jamielah

  4. hmmm… one of many differences between you and I, Jonathan… I would have gotten a cup, placed it over the centipede, slid a piece of paper underneath said centipede and kindly placed him outside… HOWEVER, had the insect of discussion been a lady bug… all bets are off. I would have concocted some solution based on bleached and drenched the sucker! LOL! Bleach works wonders on bugs (FYI)

  5. If only you could see my reaction to roaches when I lived in New Orleans… First, there was inevitably a high pitched shriek that would put the top selling dog whistle manufacturers out of business… then a frantic search for anything with an extended reach (e.g. a mop, broom, fallen tree branch, whatever), followed by a comedic dance of sorts to send several hundred pounds of force within a precisely placed lethal swing to end the terror and bring the terror alert level back down to green.

  6. Apparently you are not American, ‘Charles’. In The USA we only have terror alert levels of yellow and orange. What is terror alert level green?!?! You must be a socialist…either that or unemployed.


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